I just want to grow old…

I came across a posthumous blog post today, in the most literal of senses. The post, written by Derek K. Miller begins, hauntingly: Here it is. I’m Dead.  The post was written by Mr. Miller to be published after he died, which occured two days ago, on May 3, 2011.

One of the things Miller laments is his inability to know what’s in the future. That he’ll never see his daughters grow up, won’t grow old with his wife, will never become part of the future.

And it all comes rushing back.

Gilad wasn’t scared of death; he was angry that he would never grow old. He was sad that our niece Avital, who was less than a year old when Gilad died, would barely remember him. (He’d be happy to know that my sister and brother in law have used pictures to remind her who Gilad was, and that she shouts “Gilady!” every time she sees a picture of him.) He was upset that he wouldn’t be able to get married or have kids. He’d never graduate from college or have a first job. He would never have an adult life.

As I sit here welling up at my desk at work, I ask that you take a few moments to think about Gilad today. Think about what he would be doing. What courses he’d be taking at Maryland. What he would’ve thought of the new Eddie Vedder album. What his summer plans would’ve been and what concerts he’d be going to.

While I can speculate on all of those (philosophy, he wouldn’t have been too impressed, Camp Stone Rosh Mitbach, Dispatch & Eddie Vedder), take some time to think about Gilad today.

Gilad. I miss you so much. Hope you can hear this wherever you are.

Pearl Jam – The End

What were all those dreams we shared
Those many years ago?
What were all those plans we made now
Left beside the road?
Behind us in the road

More than friends, I always pledged
Cause friends they come and go
People change, as does everything
I wanted to grow old
I just want to grow old

Slide up next to me
I’m just a human being
I will take the blame
But just the same
This is not me

You see?

I’m better than this
Don’t leave me so cold
I’m buried beneath the stones
I just want to hold on
I know I’m worth your love

I don’t think
There’s such a thing

It’s my fault now
Having caught a sickness in my bones
How it pains to leave you here
With the kids on your own
Just don’t let me go

Help me see myself
Cause I can no longer tell
Looking out from the inside
Of the bottom of a well

It’s hell
I yell
But no one hears before I disappear
Whisper in my ear
Give me something to echo
In my unknown future’s ear

My dear
The end
Comes near
I’m here
But not much longer

3 responses to “I just want to grow old…

  1. What an absolutely perfect song.
    Moving post, Ariel.

  2. Beautiful response to Derek’s post (I’m someone who has been close to his family for a few years now).

  3. That Pearl Jam documentary coming out in September! Sure to be beautiful.
    Check this clip out: http://pearljam.com/mookie-ten